a culmination of everything

I have such mixed feeling about being here in Beijing sometimes. It's a combination of class, personal life here and at home, and what I am actually getting out of the experience. I don't have a knack for languages, ever since I was little and taking Spanish in elementary school. I wish that when I was growing up I was forced to learn other languages in school, not just offered one or two years and then stopping. As an American I feel like I am at such a disadvantage because all the other foreign student in Beijing (except the Americans) speak at least two language, most speaking more. I feel if I had learned other languages younger in life it would be easier to pick up Chinese. Now I am struggling with this, and often I feel like I am failing quite miserable because unlike everyone else in y class, I have to work my ass off to remember the words, characters, and their usage. And then once I've learned them I have to fight to remember them and not have them pushed out of my memory by a new set of vocabulary words. I feel like others here look down on me for not knowing as much as they do and for always needing help. And it doesn't help that our teacher speaks so little English that she usually cannot explain things to us. What I really liked about my teacher last year was that she broke things down into terms we understood, but this teacher assumes we know way more than we actually do.

I feel like this pressure is always on me because the group of students like to travel in pacts and not break up and do their own things. I want to go explore Beijing, and China, but most everyone wants to spend their days cooped up in the dorms. This is why I am so lucky to have found Dawson, one of the other students on the program. He also hates the group cliquishness but met some local students here and hangs out with them a lot. He also makes an effort to see one new part of the city each day. On Friday we went to the Summer Palace and on Monday we, along with his friend Chris, spent the afternoon at a cafe and then went to Chris's apartment to make dinner and relax while listening to good music and drinking good wine. The cafe which I have now begun frequenting is this great little place, three stories tables bathed in sunlight from the open windows, smelling of coffee, and playing great jazz in the background. I know I'm going to be spending a lot of time here. It has that indie vibe of Maude's and Cafe Gardens that I love so much. I think without meeting them I may have gone crazy. I get along with both of them so well because we are all free spirits- wanting to do things on out terms and not just because someone says so, and enjoy traveling, food, drink, all the finer things in life. We avoid the petty drama that surrounds us and prefer to be ignorant of it, only wanting to be worldly, cultured, and embracing the indie lifestyle.

I want to surround myself with people like this as much as possible because some people on this trip make me feel so unworthy of being here, and make me feel like less of a person. The culprits are the three girls Megan, Megan, and Jordan. They have become increasingly mean and exclusive in their actions towards me. They make me feel like there is something wrong with me and I suppose they talk about me behind my back. In a way I have to thank these girls for helping me reevaluate my life and explore who I really am because before I began hanging out with Dawson there seemed to be no one here who understood me. Sure, there are many people I get along with, but our relationships extend no further than having fun. I really missed my friends from home and really wanted them to be here with me. No one understands my Scrubs or How I Met Your Mother references or that I am a total ditz or that I can never tell when someone is poking fun at me and get really defensive about it. I didn't want to go home but wanted them to be in Beijing with me so we could experience this together (even the Asian-haters, I would make you come too). I am going to make a pledge to myself that the rest of the trip I am going to do as much as I can on my terms, spend it with the people I enjoy, and love every minute of being here.